9 Tips for Going Home to Visit without Going Crazy

“If you think you are enlightened, go and spend a week with your family.” ~ Ram Das

I was advising a client who had melted down visiting her family and, of course, I did the same thing to my family the next day. It was a great reminder that healing intergenerational wounds is a lifelong journey and my life is far from over

Here are the tips I wrote myself for future extended family vacations.

1. Treat “going home” as a full-time transformational opportunity. Do not schedule work or distractions during the visit. Clear your schedule to devote 100% of your attention to whatever comes up. Just being with your family, feeling your feelings, and staying present is a full-time job.

2. Set yourself up for success by taking extra good care of yourself before and after the visit. Schedule extra bodywork, yoga, and meditation for before and after. Maybe splurge on a better flight or hotel room than you would normally.

3. Pre-plan a daily “get-away” hour from your family. Take yourself out for a yoga class, a morning beverage, a walk, a haircut, etc. I like to get up about 2 hours before anyone else and have that part of the day to myself.

4. Put your phone away. The easiest distraction from our feelings and from being present is scrolling our phones. If you are addicted to your phone, leave it somewhere else during meals.

5. Don't make anybody wrong, but don’t make yourself wrong either. This is my favorite tip from one of my advisors, Paul Cooper, the Freedom Coach. As a Libra Sun, I’m very concerned with justice and fairness. I used to spend a ton of energy telling people they were wrong. Most folks will ignore you once you make them wrong. It’s very hard to take good advice from someone who makes you feel bad.

6. Release yourself from needing to change your family’s opinions or behaviors. They are sovereign adults who have lived a different life and get to come to their own conclusions. Going into a visit with the agenda to change your family will usually lead to upset. However if it comes up, you can take a stand for your values and opinions. You don’t have to yield to anyone who tries to make you “wrong” and you don’t have anything to prove to be “right” either. Allow for everyone to have a unique perspective and steer the discussion to where you agree.

7. Take time to give back to someone who gave to you. Your family spent uncountable hours and resources to raise you. I forget sometimes. Pre-plan a way to make someone in your family feel extra appreciated for all they do.

8. Monitor yourself for getting overwhelmed and know what you need to do for yourself to avoid going crazy. Here’s some of the calming techniques that I use:

   1. Deep breaths through my nose and into the lower belly.

   2. Drinking a glass of water or herbal tea.

   3. Eating a healthy snack like berries.

   4. Going to the bathroom to get some time alone.

   5. Taking a shower, bath, or cold plunge.

   6. Taking a walk or going to an exercise class.

   7. Volunteering to run an errand or go to the store.

9. Use Cannabis or CBD in any form. If you don’t want to smoke around your family, get a low-dose edible that you can use discreetly. Leave your favorite product in the comments.