Getting Ready to Date Online
In the early 2010s, I decided that finding a partner through online dating was a numbers game and went on 72 first dates in 6 months. It was a modern pansexual polyamorous woman in Manhattan heroines journey. And I learned a LOT! Since all of our dating skills have atrophied over the last few years…here’s how to get ready to date in 2023 and onwards.
It’s Time To Get New Photos Taken
When I first started giving online dating advice in 2010, I wrote that your photos were the most important part of your dating profile. Over a decade later and my advice is the SAME. Your photos will determine who decides to meet you in person. I encourage you to take the best photos possible.
Taking a body shot in the bathroom mirror is so 2005. Find a friend who is really good with their camera or an actual photographer. For women, the expectation is that you’re wearing makeup and have your hair done. I’ll go to a blow-out bar and MAC makeup to put together a full look on the cheap. I’ll include pictures of me with no makeup in my profile as well.
Favor These Types of Photos
Headshots that show off the best features of your face.
Full body picture (with clothing on) where you look good.
You doing something you love to do.
You on vacation somewhere beautiful.
You doing something impressive.
Avoid These Types of Photos
Pictures of you with kids or pets that aren’t yours.
Pictures of you with previous partners that aren’t in your life anymore.
Group shots. It’s hard for potential partners to figure out which one you are in a group shot so don’t include more than one.
Photos that are over 10 years old or more than 25 pounds ago.
Become a Delightful First Date
I recommend being as much of yourself as possible on the first date. There’s no need to sell a potential partner on somebody you’re not going to be come the fifth date. That being said, here’s my tips for setting yourself up to be the best version of your authentic self…
Schedule dates for times that you’re more likely to have energy. If you’re not a late night person, stop scheduling late night dates.
Suggest activities that you enjoy and are easy for your date to try. Stop asking people to meet in bars if you don’t drink and meet for a hike instead.
Do the self care you need to feel great by the time the date starts. Clear your daily frustrations before your date.
Don’t check your phone or break eye contact to look at other potential partners during dates. If you’re easily distracted, sit facing away from the door so you don’t see people passing behind your date.
Give your date clear feedback verbally and physically. You can say things like, “I’m really enjoying this conversation.” If things are going well, try gently touching your date’s arm and seeing how they respond.
Ask Interesting First Date Questions
Asking thoughtful questions shows your genuine interest in a potential partner. Asking creative questions shows you care about more than just asking what they do for work. I have a spreadsheet of authentic relating questions I use when messaging new people and while on dates. Here’s some questions I’ve been asking lately…
What is the most significant thing you’ve changed your mind about?
What is bringing you joy this week? (Monera Mason taught me this one for Bumble dating.)
What is something, that although painful or difficult, you recommend everyone does at least once?
What is the most controversial opinion that you hold in your social group?
Create a Healthy Routine For Yourself
My friends seem to have gone in one of two extreme directions during Corona. You either got super fit or super fat. The average weight gain among Americans was 35 pounds I heard. So no shame if you went to either extreme but now is the time to create some balance.
I’ve dated as an obese woman (242 pounds), an overweight woman (200 pounds), and a fit woman (170 pounds). How easy it is to date while overweight completely depends on the weight norms in your area. When I was obese, I had no trouble dating in New Orleans but had to work much harder to date in Manhattan.
2012 me in my transition from obese to overweight.
I’m not here to tell anyone what is the right body for them. If your body is meeting your needs then don’t make any changes. If you’re frustrated by your selection of potential partners, investing in your health will usually lead to a larger selection of interested dates.
Here are the healthy habits that work for me…
Quitting hormonal birth control
Quitting alcohol
Drinking only tea, water, and vegetable juice until Noon and not eating after 8pm typically
Learning how to cook at home, recipes here >>
Limiting eating out/delivery to 5X per week, no more than once a day
Fruit fasting for one day a month, using LSD to distract me from my normal eating habits and confront anything I’ve been avoiding
Hot yoga or infrared sauna at least twice a week, I’m a big believer in using sweat to detox your body
Kundalini Yoga, Twerk, or Zumba three times a week
Meditation and self-work to resolve issues I used to numb out with food
Choosing active ways to socialize (hiking, yoga class) over inactive ways (bars, sports games) when possible
2020 me after implementing healthy habits
It’s Time To Get Tested–for STIs
Remember before all those nose swabs that we used to get tested for sexually transmitted infections? (STDs if you were born before the 90s.) If you don’t have a regular doctor, you can order testing online. I just did a 10 test STI check through Health Labs for $139.
Getting tested can feel scary but not knowing your baseline health before something goes weird is scarier. It’s common for folks who are really active to get tested every six months. If you want to date someone in those circles, start by getting tested.
