I learned these lessons by f*cking up. I’ve made a variation of every one of these mistakes as a white woman going into Black-centric spaces. Please share what you’ve learned in the comments.

Get comfortable being uncomfortable.

The Afro-centric party I attended last week featured a spoken word performance written from the perspective of a Black slave woman to her white female slave owner. It was beautiful, powerful, and devastating.

Remember that while addressing white supremacy openly makes you “uncomfortable”, your Black friends have been putting up with conscious and subconscious aggression towards them at almost every white-led event of their lives. Part of all our healing is to be present for others as they share their story. Keep your heart open and get comfortable being uncomfortable.

Don’t interrupt a Black man to tell him how you would fix racism.

Ok so you’ve woken up to the harms of racism, the first mistake most people make (including me) is going into White Savior Mode.

My White Savior Mode has a couple of characteristics:

• White Saviors assume that they can fix the damage of white culture by imposing their “solutions” on others. This perpetuates colonialism instead of dismantling it.

• White Saviors assume they must have finished all their AntiRacism/Classism/Bias work because they want to “save” people now. Deprogramming from white supremacy extractive capitalism is a lifelong process.

• White Saviors dissociate from how they feel by over-intellectualizing the issues. This allows you to numb out in the face of epic injustice that extractive capitalism depends on. If you find yourself wanting to solve something instead of being present with pain, notice that in yourself and breathe deeper to stay present instead.

• White Saviors assume that they deserve recognition for doing antiracism work. We are all responsible for dismantling white supremacy in our families, friends, workplaces, and neighborhoods. Make your white-led programs accessible to Black people AND also donate to Black-led programs.

• White Saviors assume that they can “solve racism” as a separate issue from sexism, classism, ableism, transphobia and so on. If white supremacy is your first look at injustice, get ready for a longer investigation.

Don’t talk about being vegan while they serve chicken.

The food you had access to while growing up was defined by your race, class, and privilege. Remember that depending on how someone grew up, they may not have had the same dietary options as you. Don’t use the party to judge other diets. Accept everyone is eating whatever they need to eat. Bring your favorite vegan dish to share and don’t mention that it’s vegan.

Don’t complain about the party getting started late/guests arriving late.

If you show up “on time” for a Black-centric party, you may only see other white guests for a while. Can’t figure out why? Meditate on how American farming went from a family-based effort timed to the sun to slave-based with overseers to make sure that you’re “on time”. Remember how you got written-up in school for being late? Well your Black friends were more likely to be suspended or placed in detention for being late. Be open to the possibility that your Black friends may operate on a whole different clock for a slew of past and present reasons. Sit with your judgement on the importance of being “on time” instead of burdening other guests with your thoughts.

Don’t talk about the AntiRacism work you’ve done or BIPOC teachers you’ve studied.

There’s a phenomenon called “optical allyship”, which is a different shade of white supremacy.

From Bustle Magazine…

“Optical Allyship” is a term coined by Latham Thomas, founder of Mama Glow and author of Own Your Glow. In an Instagram post from May 1, Thomas defines optical allyship as “allyship that only serves at the surface level to platform the 'ally,' it makes a statement but doesn’t go beneath the surface and is not aimed at breaking away from the systems of power that oppress.”

Essentially, it is performative allyship. Instead of standing up, building trust, and doing the work to disassemble white supremacy, optical allyship does the bare minimum. It’s retweeting a contextless MLK quote without learning about the depth of King’s work and his actual words on protesting. It’s using a “woke” cultural moment to build your brand while continuing practices rooted in racism. It’s relying on Black people to do the work for you.

Your Black friends have heard every variation of justification from white folks to “prove” they aren’t racist. If you find yourself saying any of these things, ask yourself why. Is bringing up your AntiRacism work truly what the conversation calls for or are you trying to prove you’re one of the “good ones.”

• "I went to Standing Rock.”

• “I had a Black lover / best friend growing up.”

• “I went to Peru and studied with indigenous Shamans.”

• “I lived in a Black neighborhood.”

• “I love Black people.”

• “I featured 3 BIPOC speakers at my last event.” (But did you pay them well?)

• “I took African studies in college.”

• “I marched for Black Lives Matter.”

This list is hardly complete. Please add to it from your experiences in the comments. And let’s celebrate being able to party together.