How to Practice Submission without Someone to Dominate You
I WANT TO PRACTICE SUBMISSION, SHOULD I GET A DOMINATE?
Probably not. The first step is to investigate what flavor of submission you’re looking to cultivate. Simply put, what’s your why? Why do you want to play with submission and domination?
Here are the common reasons you might want to practice submission that I will be covering in this article. You’ll learn how to identify your reason for submission and how to practice in and out of the bedroom.
I want someone else to choose what we do.
I want to feel chosen/desired by someone.
I want to try a fantasy.
I want someone else to be in charge (because I usually am).
I want to feel out of control of myself.
I want to learn how to surrender.
I want someone to make me submit.
I want to be held and touched.
Take an inventory of which of these desires match up and let’s explore…
I WANT SOMEONE ELSE TO CHOOSE WHAT WE DO
If you’re uncomfortable leading, you will be shocked at how much the submissive actually guides the experience in BDSM. A good Dominate will have a bag of tricks prepared and then read the submissive for what happens next. So regardless of who wears the collar, you’re going to have to work on your leadership skills to be a submissive. Here’s some experiments to try if you’re uncomfortable leading.
Investigate your submission fantasies by completing a Sexual Interest or BDSM checklist. This is a list of sexual acts that you rate by how interested you are in each. Any decent Dominate will make you fill this out before you meet. Even if you feel like you have no idea what you like in the bedroom, this list will show you that you probably have some strong preferences when asked. Here’s the BDSM checklist I use that you can copy & edit: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1I1dQq19xWFipPkDg54Odlugd61dobvESESM2zt3fxds/edit?usp=sharing
Meditate and then journal on this question…”when was the first time I learned that my leadership was not wanted in the world?"
Self-pleasure yourself a LOT. Know exactly what presses your buttons before you expect someone else to find them. Try NOT to watch porn while you figure out what turns you on. Use your hands and imagination to steer this exploration.
Make a list of what you’re willing to submit to a Domme. Your time? Resources? Parts of your body? Usually a Dominate will put a lot of energy into a new submissive. What are you ready to offer in return? Make this list before you have to decide in front of your new partner. This will show you where your boundaries are and you can practice stating them with your Dominant.
I WANT TO FEEL CHOSEN/DESIRED BY SOMEONE
Being desired is hot. Someone letting you know how much they want you is super hot. People of all gender expressions love to hear someone desires them.
Being able to identify that you want to get to know someone and say something about it is a skill we all need to cultivate. You don’t have time to wait around and make sure that every good potential partner meets you at the perfect time to let their love known. If you feel a spark with someone, it’s up to you to follow up. You can and should ask for a date as a submissive. You are more likely to find a higher-quality partner by speaking up when you see potential.
If you never make the first move, here are some experiments to try…
Compliment 3 people genuinely (in public or online) each day.
Make a list of aspects you desire in a partner: physically, emotionally, spiritually, and lifestyle. Keep this list on your altar and review it quarterly.
Make a list of behaviors/values that you will not tolerate in a partner. Sometimes I can get swept up in a new partner and ignore red flags. Going back to the values I want in a partnership reminds me what’s most important when I’m getting to know a new pretty face.
Love yourself first and foremost and fiercely. The number one factor in attracting great partners into my life has been the quality with which I love myself. Self love is the foundation of a loving partnership.
Behave and feel as if you’ve already attracted the love of your life. Do you believe in the power of your thoughts? The concept is that if you think about not having a partner, then that reality will continue to manifest. If you trick yourself into feeling like you have love, it will attract love faster. Try listening to love songs or watching movies that make you feel the love.
Woo yourself in all the ways you desire a partner to. Buy yourself flowers, go on a solo road trip, or take yourself to the spa. Get more practice at receiving what you desire and you’ll be more comfortable attracting it in the future.
I WANT TO TRY A FANTASY
The number one reaction I’ve encountered from people who had a long-standing desire after they finally get their wish is: despair, sadness, and anger. You would think that you would feel amazing after finally getting to fulfill a fantasy but that’s not how psychology works.
Here’s the psychology behind doing something new (whether it’s an orgy or a vacation)…
Planning a new experience is the psychological "high point". When you are still planning nothing has gone wrong. Everything can be perfect. And there are no downsides. The more you focus on your perfect projection, the more disappointed you will be when reality doesn’t match it.
Actually having the new experience is the “low point”. New experiences are messy, imperfect, and can have drawbacks.
Remembering the experience is the “middle point”. In your memory of an experience you can forget the most painful parts and remember the highlights.
You read that right. The worst part of your vacation is actually being on vacation but you remember it better than it was. So if you’ve had a long-standing fantasy that you’ve planned out in detail…well you’ve already done the most enjoyable part of a new experience. Actually getting your fantasy in real life will not compare to the one you planned in your head.
"Comparison is the thief of joy.” ~Theodore Roosevelt via Maureen McNamara
Here’s what you can do to have your fantasies improve your sex life instead of wreck it by comparison.
STOP watching commercial porn. The fastest way to create an unrealistic expectation is to base your fantasy on how paid professionals perform. If your fantasy includes a sex worker than porn is a great inspiration. If your fantasy is with people who aren’t paid to pleasure you, it’s going to look and feel different than commercial porn. (There are some self-produced amateur porn exceptions to this rule.)
Write your fantasy down in a short story. This is a great way to practice naming what you want before you have to ask for it.
Practice a solo version of your fantasy. Is your fantasy about a threesome with double penetration? Use high-quality toys to create that fantasy by yourself or with one partner. I’ve often found the idea of a new sensation was sexier than the actual experience. Learning your best angles and pleasure points with toys will help you guide a partner.
Hire a sex worker. Pay a professional to take on the physical and emotional labor of helping you try out your fantasy. If your fantasy doesn’t include penetration or oral sex, you can hire a professional Dominate starting at $250 an hour. It sounds expensive until you compare it to bombing out on all your dates because you want something specific.
Relationships are multi-faceted experiences that are co-created. You can’t force your partners into a box that you defined before you met them. The same goes for a fantasy that includes other humans. Inspire your partner with your fantasy and ask them to co-create it with you. Leave room for your partner’s needs and preferences. Be open to their additions surpassing your wildest dreams.
Remember that every goal/intention/projection you have for the future is actually a limiting belief. From your individual mind you can’t even imagine the best possible outcome for all. Allow your goals to set your direction but don’t let them limit your destination.
I WANT SOMEONE ELSE TO BE IN CHARGE (BECAUSE I USUALLY AM)
This is the most common reason I’ve seen men, women, and gender non-confirming people become interested in submission. Whether you’re in charge of a business empire or a family empire all day, it can be a wonderful contrast to let someone else lead after 9PM. Before you put all your eggs in the “if I could only find a good Domme” basket, ask how could you bring more balance to your day. You may have a leadership role but there is always room to share your power.
Here’s a few experiments to run at work if you’re “always in charge”…
Have a co-worker run a meeting that you would normally run yourself. Sit back and don’t correct them during the meeting.
When a co-worker asks for your opinion, turn the question back to them and ask them what they think first. Validate their thought process and build their confidence into making the decision themselves next time.
Cancel anything that drains you to lead. About 80% of new business projects fail so whatever you’re pushing so hard probably won’t work anyway.
Take a month-long sabbatical (or longer) and see how your team reforms to cover you. When you come back, ask how they got stuff done and train folks to take on those duties permanently.
Let your co-workers see that you make mistakes, ask for help, and learn–just like they do.
I WANT TO FEEL OUT OF CONTROL OF MYSELF
You have a finite amount of self control and it can feel great to let go. Some of the wildest party people are also the most controlled people I know. The question to ask yourself when you’re seeking this primarily in your relationship is why. Why do you need so much self control to live a normal day that you don’t have any left by sundown? Here are some common reasons & solutions if you have been using up all of your self control.
I hate my job / boss / life. This is probably the most common reason people burn out trying to control their behavior during the day. If you hate your job now is the time to find a new one, launch a side hustle, or just check out and see how long it takes them to fire you.
I’m closeted / hiding a big part of my life. It can take a tremendous amount of energy to hide parts of yourself as our world becomes more connected and transparent. Coming out as yourself will be challenging but will save you tons of energy in the long term.
My parents wouldn’t approve. If you have lived outside of your parent’s home longer than in, it’s time to make sovereign decisions. You are 100% responsible for the life you lead as an adult.
I have a condition that requires a strict lifestyle. I don’t have personal experience with this so I’d love to hear from you if you do. I look for where I can turn my limitations into a super power. I’m a great gluten-free vegan chef because I had a friend with extreme dietary restrictions.
I am neurodivergent / I have health challenges. Physical or mental health differences may mean that you use up your self control during a normal day. I don’t have personal experience with this so I’d love to hear from you if you do.
Playing with control or lack of control is totally natural and part of BDSM. This desire is also what attracts us to drugs, alcohol, and all sorts of relationships that aren’t great for us. The truth is you don’t need alcohol or a Dominate to release control
Play with releasing control of yourself without help and you’ll never be dependent on a person or substance ever again.
I WANT TO TRY A FANTASY
The number one reaction I’ve encountered from people who had a long-standing desire after they finally get their wish is: despair, sadness, and anger. You would think that you would feel amazing after finally getting to fulfill a fantasy but that’s not how psychology works.
Here’s the psychology behind doing something new (whether its an orgy or a vacation)…
Planning a new experience is the psychological "high point". When you are still planning nothing has gone wrong. Everything can be perfect. And there are no downsides. The more you focus on your perfect projection, the more disappointed you will be when reality doesn’t match it.
Actually having the new experience is the “low point”. New experiences are messy, imperfect, and can have drawbacks.
Remembering the experience is the “middle point”. In your memory of an experience you can forget the most painful parts and remember the highlights.
You read that right. The worst part of your vacation is actually being on vacation but you remember it better than it was. So if you’ve had a long-standing fantasy that you’ve planned out in detail…well you’ve already done the most enjoyable part of a new experience. Actually getting your fantasy in real life will not compare to the one you planned in your head.
"Comparison is the thief of joy.” ~Theodore Roosevelt
Here’s what you can do to have your fantasies improve your sex life instead of wreck it by comparison.
STOP watching commercial porn. The fastest way to create an unrealistic expectation is to base your fantasy on how paid professionals perform. If your fantasy includes a sex worker than porn is a great inspiration. If your fantasy is with people who aren’t paid to pleasure you, it’s going to look and feel different than commercial porn. (There are some self-produced amateur porn exceptions to this rule.)
Write your fantasy down in a short story. This is a great way to practice naming what you want before you have to ask for it.
Practice a solo version of your fantasy. Is your fantasy about a threesome with double penetration? Use high-quality toys to create that fantasy by yourself or with one partner. I’ve often found the idea of a new sensation was sexier than the actual experience. Learning your best angles and pleasure points with toys will help you guide a partner.
Hire a sex worker. Pay a professional to take on the physical and emotional labor of helping you try out your fantasy. If your fantasy doesn’t include penetration or oral sex, you can hire a professional Dominate starting at $250 an hour. It sounds expensive until you compare it to bombing out on all your dates because you want something specific.
Relationships are multi-faceted experiences that are co-created. You can’t force your partners into a box that you defined before you met them. The same goes for a fantasy that includes other humans. Inspire your partner with your fantasy and ask them to co-create it with you. Leave room for your partner’s needs and preferences. Be open to their additions surpassing your wildest dreams.
Remember that every goal/intention/projection you have for the future is actually a limiting belief. From your individual mind you can’t even imagine the best possible outcome for all. Allow your goals to set your direction but don’t let them limit your destination.
I WANT TO LEARN TO SURRENDER
I was not taught to surrender as a kid. I was a state champion in speech & debate. I went on to become a CEO & Founder. I liked making stuff happen. I had to learn how to not “make” anything happen when I burned out in 2017.
I used meditation, marijuana, MDMA, and yoga to rebalance (and lost 40 pounds). Now I find surrendering to silent meditation or hot yoga just as illuminating as BDSM.
Try these experiments to practice surrender
Take an exercise class with a challenging instructor. Follow all the instructions even when you’re tired and you don’t want to. Practice surrendering with awareness of your personal safety by pushing yourself without injuring yourself. I practice hot yoga at a local studio and Kundalini Yoga with Kimilla online: www.kimilla.com
Learn meditation. This is the most potent method of surrender I’ve found. I’ve done about 100 days of silent meditation courses since 2018.
Take a psychedelic consciously. I’ve used marijuana, magic mushrooms, LSD, and MDMA to practice surrender. You can download my book on conscious psychedelic use here: www.jazminhupp.com/inside
Hire a bossy coach or therapist. Practice being told what to do and see how it works for you.
Say to yourself “my timing is perfect and elegant” whenever you feel like you should have acted sooner.
Stop pulling out your phone while waiting in line. Pause and be fully present. Compliment a stranger. Notice small details. Send mental gratitude to everyone involved with the food you’re about to enjoy.
Go on a solo adventure and do whatever your intuition desires.
Go offline and turn your phone off for a day. Show up fully to whatever your day brings with no distractions.
Read The Surrender Experiment by Michael Singer.
I WANT SOMEONE TO MAKE ME SUBMIT
Famously, many of the men who pay Dominatrixes to humiliate them are high-paid and high-power professionals. Some of the most powerful people want to feel powerless in the bedroom. BDSM is a fine place to start but don’t stop there.
Ask yourself why you want to give someone else your power.
Are you tired of being in charge?
Are you unsure of what you want?
Do you feel undeserving of the power you have?
Do you have a specific fantasy?
Other?
All of these (and more) are common reasons to want to play with power. I encourage you to play with these dynamics in and out of the bedroom. Don’t rely on one partner to work through everything you have on power. Use therapists, healers, friends, journaling, and meditation to explore your relationship with power.
I WANT TO BE HELD AND TOUCHED
Most of us don’t have enough touch in our life. Touch can increase feelings of happiness and even promote healing. Asking for non-erotic touch is something we should all normalize between friends, family, and lovers.
Here are some hacks to add touch to your life without adding a partner…
Get a massage, facial, or hair treatment.
Find a tub with jets for a water massage.
Offer to trade a massage with a friend.
Go to an ecstatic dance event that encourages contact.
Use a feather or soft fur piece to caress yourself.
Use a foam roller or yin yoga class to massage yourself.
I WANT TO LEARN MORE
Here are the books and authors I’ve found useful on the topics of personal power and surrender.
The Surrender Experiment by Michael Singer
Urban Tantra by Barbara Carrellas
More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory
Pussy by Regena Thomashauer
Warrior Goddess Training by HeatherAsh Amara
Rule Makers, Rule Breakers: How Tight & loose Cultures Wire Our World by Michele Gelfano
The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership
ABOUT THE AUTHOR @JazminTheInsideGuide
I’ve always been fascinated by power dynamics and spent much of my twenties practicing BDSM (Bondage, Domination, Sado-Masocism) in the bedroom. After some great and some not-so-great experiences with power exchange, I wanted to share these tips with you so you can skip to the good part!
I am not a professional Dominate but I am a bossy website designer and workshop leader.
WHAT’S YOUR WHY?
Was your reason for submission covered here? Tell me in the comments what flavor of submission you are exploring and what practices have helped.
9 Tips for the Summer Vacation Clusterf*ck of 2022
As a traveling professional I am predicting this summer will be unlike anything you’ve ever experienced.
⚠️ WHY THIS SUMMER WILL BE A CLUSTERF*CK FOR TRAVEL ⚠️
People have been restricted for two years and are ready to get out and show off. Probably a third of white collar jobs are still full-time remote so those folks can vacation for weeks at a time and work from the road. On top of that, add a huge retired population that is more mobile than ever. I didn’t used to have to compete with 75 year olds for hotel rooms but this year traveling in your 70s is the new 50s.
Hotels and restaurants have been laying off staff or completely shutting down for the last two years. This means there are less services available with less trained staff than ever before.
Demand-based pricing was implemented across the travel industry after 2001. Before investment groups bought huge swaths of hotels, hotel rates were set seasonally by small business owners. Today, hotel rates are updated by the minute based on demand. This means that travel is cheap when demand is low…and it means I just paid $350 to stay in a 3-star hotel room in Tucson on a Saturday night.
COMBINE
+One part: vacationers who have saved up and have unrealistic expectations after two years at home.
+One part: the highest pricing for flights, hotels, and meals you’ve ever paid.
+One part: untrained staff who get paid the same amount per hour whether your room is $100 or $500 that night.
EQUALS = Summer Travel Clusterf*ck of Entitled People Yelling at Staff Until They Quit
💃🏻 HERE’S WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT… 💃🏻
Book your vacation like your grandparents did in 1995. The ability to book your hotel on your phone as you pull into the parking lot is a more recent invention. Prior to smart phones, vacationers would research their destination thoroughly before venturing out. Try making flight & hotel reservations months in advance and dinner reservations the week before for the best availability. Demand-based pricing is going to f*ck you if you don’t book ahead.
Make refundable reservations if you’re thinking about going anywhere. Airlines made flight changes easier and cheaper during COVID. Most hotels and car rental reservations can be canceled with no penalty. As far in advance as possible make refundable reservations to lock in lower prices.
Ask your friends or family to host you. This is the summer to visit relatives, call in favors, and pool resources with friends. Staying two nights at your aunt’s house will save you enough money to splurge at the spa. Find someone in your network with an RV, a cabin, or a vacation rental. Offer to fix the front porch or do the summer gardening while you’re staying there.
Go to unpopular places. The old advice was to go to the popular places at unpopular times but I predict all the picturesque spots are going to be overbooked for a year or so. Now is the time to go to the unpopular places on your travel bucket list. Think Detroit, Oklahoma City, or that lake you can never remember.
House swap. If you live somewhere remotely interesting, you can offer to swap homes with someone in a new place. You both take a vacation at the same time and get a free home to stay in.
Camp. Do not go to a festival this summer because they will be a cluster*ck of understaffing with overzealous revelers. Do make a plan to camp or rent a home to create your own experience. Camp grounds will be just as overbooked as hotels so plan to go off grid or make reservations in advance. If the campgrounds fill up, rent a vacation home with great outdoor space and camp in the yard.
Cook your own meals. Expect a lot of slow awkward meals be because restaurants are going to be understaffed this summer. The restaurant & hospitality industry was the first to face massive layoffs in 2020 and so your new waiter has 3 weeks of experience instead of 3 years. Cooking your meals will save you time, money, and calories.
Have a copilot or co-couple. Split travel costs by bringing a friend or another couple on vacation. I love traveling solo for its flexibility but I saved the most money traveling in a group of 4. Groups larger than 4 can be complicated with too many needs and interests. Two couples traveling together has been the most efficient in my experience.
Try an organized retreat or tour. Experienced tour guides will have locked in lower prices than you can now. I wouldn’t normally recommend an organized vacation but this summer will be complicated. Skip the Uber surge pricing by going with someone who knows the area.
What are YOUR summer travel plans this year? Any tips to add?
Choosing the Right Accounting App for a Solo Small Business
I filed for my first business tax ID almost 20 years ago. It was a web design company I called Jazzed Designs. (Retrospective LOL!)
Although I had no customers to start, I was determined to do everything ‘by-the-book’ for my first business. I spent the first month of that business doing paperwork instead of finding my first customer. About a dozen start-ups later and now I’ve learned to do the exact the opposite. Now I’ll do the first $10,000-$50,000 of revenue before I file official paperwork.
No matter if you make $10K or $100K a year, you HAVE to track your expenses. I’ve learned it’s much easier to record your expenses regularly than try to make it all up at the end of the year before you file your taxes (or worst–when you’re being audited!) The good news is tracking your expenses is EASIER than ever. Remember every expense you track reduces your income tax liability on business profits (up to 32% on personal income). If you happen to spend more money on deductible expenses than you make in income, you can 2reduce your taxes in future years.
Tracking your income & expenses goes way beyond just your taxes. As a business owner, money is a form of energy that you use every day. Tracking it will show you where the business is powered up and where it’s draining you. I recommend looking at how your income and expenses are adding up every month or quarter. I’ve heard Madonna reviews her income and expenses every day.
I hated looking at my finances unless the numbers were “good”. If that’s you, get a financial advisor or manager who will make you engage with your numbers. I learned (the hard way) that the difference between a business and a hobby is money. I needed to engage with my money with as much attention as I engaged with my clients.
What to Look For in a Small Business Accounting App
Picking a great accounting App from the start can make all the difference. I once tried to switch our accounting services at Women Grow with an under-qualified CFO. We spent 6 months trying to switch and didn’t have any reliable financial information to make decisions on in the mean time. It was a disaster. Use the hints below to look for an accounting solution that will grow with you.
3 Questions to Ask Before you Commit to An Accounting App
How long has the company producing the App been in business? — I LOVE trying new stuff but not when it comes to accounting. Brand new Apps may disappear as quickly as they launched so look for something with history.
How can I export my data? — You are required to keep your financial records for 7 years in case of an IRS audit. As I’m preparing my taxes, I export all of my data into reports that I can save as PDFs or CSVs. This way if I no longer pay for the App, I still have access to all my records. Make sure to export your files in the most common file type available so you’re not stuck trying to open something weird in 7 years.
How does this App save me time? — Look for features like being able to automatically import all your transactions from your business bank account and credit card. If you send invoices, will this App allow your customers to pay with a credit card or ACH? If you have subscription-based services, can it automatically charge someone monthly?
The Best Apps to Track $1,000 to $500,000 in Small Business Expenses
Here are the three options I’ve used personally for different size businesses…
Expensify: I used Expensify to track expenses for FREE for over a decade. Originally created to make it easier to make expense reports, you can now also send invoices, pay bills, and track mileage. This is my recommendation for the very first stage of your business where you have a lot of expenses and aren’t totally sure what your main income sources will be.
Fiverr Workspace: I’ve been using Fiverr workspace for about 18 months to run my teaching & consulting business. This App is built for creatives who make work-for-hire and includes everything you need to run that business. They bought their contract language for the Freelancer’s Union and it’s the best legal contract I’ve ever used for creative freelancing. It helps me categorize all my income and expenses from every online source imaginable.
Quickbooks: If your business has multiple owners, multiple employees, or the need to track a physical inventory…you will probably want to try Quickbooks. My experiences with Quickbooks have been neutral but the good thing is its the most commonly used small business accounting software so it’s easy to get help when you need it.
Drop your questions in the comments and let me know which way you went.
Full discloser I may make $20 if you subscribe to Fiverr Workspace using this link.
Is self publishing my book worth it?
I just finished my first year of being an author. I wrote The Inside Guide during the first quarantine and published it on April 20, 2020.
Here’s what happened, what I learned about self publishing, and why I’m changing my strategy.
The Numbers Please
Here’s the rough numbers on what it took for me to self published a 100-page non-fiction book in full color. In my opinion, this is the least amount of time you can expect to spend on the process unless you have professional writing/publishing experience.
Writing the Book: 100 hours
Getting & Integrating Feedback: 25 hours
Editing the Book: 25 hours
Laying Out Book Interior: 40 hours
Book Cover Design: 20 hours
Self Publishing Setup: 20 hours
Setting Up My Own eCommerce Sales: 20 hours
Marketing to My Mailing List: 20 hours
Marketing to Social Media: 50 hours
Virtual Book Launch on Clubhouse: 20 hours
Reprints: 10 hours
Shipping Books & Customer Service: 5 hours
TOTAL was about 355 Hours Over 1 Year
I give you these rough estimates so you can see how much time you might invest. I had previous experience doing all these tasks for the Tekserve Mac FAQ and it still took me hundreds of hours. If you don’t have experience writing, editing, laying out books, or selling stuff online, you can expect to spend double the amount of time I did.
So let’s say you can do ALL these steps without help and you don’t mind paying yourself nothing to do it.
Minimum Self Publishing Hard Costs
Most folks will also end up paying for help to edit, design, or market their book. Assuming you can do every step above yourself, here are the hard physical costs that you’ll run into getting your book published.
$49-$500 for test prints or a small print run of your book (25 copies).
$0-$250 for an ISBN (this is like your book’s serial number).
$49 (IngramSpark) to $399 (BookBaby) to list your book for print-on-demand distribution and sell through Amazon, B&N, local bookstores and so on.
Self Publishing Is Easier Than Ever But Still Sucks Ballz
100 yeas ago all book publishing was controlled through publishers because the average Jane didn’t have access to a printing press. It was the publisher’s job to make sure the book would have wide-enough appeal to pay back the massive printing costs.
Flash-forward to today, and anyone can have a book printed on-demand for $5-$25. We eliminated the risk of printing and flooded the market with new books…all at a time when adults were reading less books than ever.
A LOT of People Don’t Read Books
I thought bringing my knowledge to the printed page would have the widest reach. It turned out that even during intense quarantine, half of UK adults didn’t read a single book last year.
Average readers in the USA, spend about 15 minutes a day reading. The average American is on their smart phone for 4 hours a day and watching TV for 3 hours a day! You can see your chances of getting through are MUCH higher on a screen than on a page.
If your message can be communicated visually, video is your best bet. YouTube has become the home for anything you can explain in 3 to 30 minutes. The majority of the world uses Google to find answers and Google gives priority to relevant YouTube results–so you will be found if you’re talking about anything people are asking about.
If your message can be communicated in under 60 seconds, then you are ready for Instagram Reels & TikTok. You will do especially well in this format if you live in a beautiful place or can move to a beat.
Why quitting is harder than starting…
As a creative entrepreneur, I could start a new business every week. Planning a new business is my favorite part because nothing has gone wrong yet. It’s all possibility when it’s just me and a pro forma. And if your business is mostly online, you can start that business for the cost of a SquareSpace subscription.
This has created a world where most hustlers have 5 different hustles at once. I will out myself as one of those people who loves to be running multiple projects at once. What I’m learning is that it’s great to be interested in 5 different paths but it’s complicated to make money from all 5.
Living in late-stage capitalism taught me that I needed to monetize everything I enjoyed. I was wrong. Enjoy what you enjoy. Monetize what you have an unfair advantage doing at the perfect time.
Letting Go of the Wrong Projects Makes Space for the Right Fits
There’s a cliché that God will never hand you more than you can handle, and it applies to entrepreneurship too. If you are already at full capacity between your business, your side business, your family, and your life–there’s no space for anything to be created. You need to let go of something before you’ll attract a better fit.
Here’s some random guidelines I use for myself to keep things spacious…
Warming up my body and meditating for the day BEFORE I give my energy to a screen or another human. This sets up my day in my own energy instead of being enmeshed in whatever has come up overnight. I’ll often end my day this way too.
Centering the lifestyle I want before any business idea. If the business doesn’t support my chosen lifestyle, I skip it.
Writing something for myself before I do other work. I use my sleeping time to do subconscious processing of questions and often have answers by the time I wake up.
Declining most of the requests for my time/energy/attention for free. I still accept most of the requests from BIPOC humans who are starting new projects.
Keeping my social media ‘scrolling’ time to under 2 hours a week. Unfollowing people who love drama.
Noticing when I’m in “expansion-mode” and should be out meeting new people and noticing when I’m in “focus-mode” and should be working on my work. Business requires a combination of extraversion and introversion and it’s easy to spend too much time on the side you prefer.
Giving far fewer fucks what others think or say about me.
How do you keep your life spacious? Let me know in the comments.
21 Questions to Ask Before You Become Co-Founders or Collaborate
As I get ready for a new year with new possibilities, I’m being presented with a lot of new projects to play in. In the past, I’ve done the projects that picked me until someone dropped from exhaustion. Today, I’ve learned to ask a few key questions to see if a project is in alignment before I start.
21 Questions I Learned to Ask the Hard Way, so you can have it easier…
WHAT ARE THE 3-MONTH AND 1-YEAR GOALS FOR THIS PROJECT?
The more collaborators on a project means the more people with their own idea of what they want to do. Weak project leaders will add everyone’s goals to the pile, promise everyone what they want, and get none of it done. Ask for goals with timelines for the projects that you’re walking into. If the goals of the project haven’t been defined, ask how goals will be prioritized. If your project has more than 3 major goals, it’s unlikely to happen.
ASK TO SEE THE BUDGET.
It’s all well and good for project leaders to say that everyone’s ideas will be incorporated but the budget will tell you what’s actually possible with the resources available.
Are the project leaders saying that Black Lives Matter? Then look for the AntiRacism training budget. Are the project leaders saying that they want an equal number of male and female leaders? Then look at the staff budget and see if they can pay living wages to their female leaders.
Some leaders will say anything to get you on board but knowing where the money goes will tell you what the real priorities are.
FIND OUT WHO OWNS WHAT. FOR REAL.
No matter what collaborative structure the project leaders have chosen, at the end of the day someone(s) will own and direct what the organization does. Ask what legal entity they have chosen to operate as and…
ASK TO SEE THE INCORPORATION PAPERWORK
The incorporation paperwork will tell you legally who owns the project and what happens if something goes wacky. What you’ll want to know before you agree to collaborate is…
Who owns the project and its assets?
Who owns anything I create while working on this project?
Who is currently on the board and how do those people get switched out?
Who are the current managers of this project? If I’m being sexual harassed by a manager, who can I report it to? (This is a common snag in small companies when the only person to report harassment to is the person harassing you.)
Where does the liability fall if someone dies while on this project? (This is an extreme example of liability but will help you figure out if they have the proper insurance to cover the company.)
How can this company be unincorporated (dissolved) and what happens to the company assets afterwards?
HOW IS THIS PROJECT FUNDED?
The difference between a hobby and a company is funding.
How your project gets funded will determine A LOT. Whoever funds the project is your real customer. Meaning that no matter who are you trying to help, the majority of your energy will be spent on who gives you the money. (This is why most philanthropy fails to help the people who need it most.)
If the project has no funding, get clear on how they plan to raise money and if you’ll be involved. Get clear on what happens if the money runs out. Do they own any work you’ve contributed if the project dies?
If the project has a membership base, ask tough questions like–how many members do you have? How long do they remain members? How much are they paying?
If the project is being funded personally by someone, know that the project will be subject to the whims of the person who funded it. No matter which collaborative structure you’ve chosen, I’ve never seen a management team tell the project funder no.
If the project is being funded by an investment group or Venture Capitalist, know that it's unlikely your work will see the light of day. Your work is now only as good as it enriches your investors. What enriches your investors (like getting bought out by SalesForce) is often the opposite of what helps your customers.
ASK THE HARD QUESTIONS BEFORE YOU COMMIT
If the leaders that you’re interviewing have challenges answering these questions honestly and authentically, it’s a red flag 🚩How they answer these questions is a lot more important than what they say in my experience. If just being asked about any of these topics triggers the leader that you’re interviewing, just imagine what will happen when these scenarios actually come up.
Can you tell me about the last time someone disagreed with your leadership style and how you handled it?
Can you tell me about your last experience with sexual harassment in the community and how it was handled?
What is your personal practice? How do you keep yourself aligned to lead?
How do you know what’s yours to lead and what’s not yours?
What was the most surprising thing you've learned in the AntiRacism training you’ve done? What AntiRacism training is planned for this project?
Tell me about the last time two team members had a serious conflict and how you handled it.
What would the last person who quit this project tell me about their experience?
Can I speak to three people from previous companies you’ve managed?
Who is sleeping with who on the team? How are sexual relationships handled within the company?
Again! Ask the tough questions now because conflict will come up later and you want to get a preview of how they will handle it.
BECOMING A CO-FOUNDER IS MORE COMPLICATED THAN GETTING MARRIED.
Choosing to co-own a company with someone(s) can be harder to get out of than a marriage. When you incorporate a company and declare yourself co-owners with others, you are stuck with those partners until you can sell (or give up) your ownership.
That doesn’t sound too hard at the beginning of a project when you assume everything will go well and your part of the company will be super valuable. But what happens when the company is out of money and you can’t find anyone to buy you out? You will have to carry ownership of this company until you give up your ownership or the entire company is dissolved. Until then, you will be financially and legally responsible for everything about that company, even if you’ve stopped being involved in the management. In my experience, getting out of a company can be more expensive and take more time than a divorce.
I now treat potential cofounders like potential spouses. I take my time getting to know them. I try small projects before committing to a big one. I invite them to do psychedelics with me and see how they do with intensity. As I told the UCLA Business School, you’re more likely to meet your best cofounder at AfrikaBurn doing LSD than business school.
How to attend a Black-centric party as a white person
I learned these lessons by f*cking up. I’ve made a variation of every one of these mistakes as a white woman going into Black-centric spaces. Please share what you’ve learned in the comments.
Get comfortable being uncomfortable.
The Afro-centric party I attended last week featured a spoken word performance written from the perspective of a Black slave woman to her white female slave owner. It was beautiful, powerful, and devastating.
Remember that while addressing white supremacy openly makes you “uncomfortable”, your Black friends have been putting up with conscious and subconscious aggression towards them at almost every white-led event of their lives. Part of all our healing is to be present for others as they share their story. Keep your heart open and get comfortable being uncomfortable.
Don’t interrupt a Black man to tell him how you would fix racism.
Ok so you’ve woken up to the harms of racism, the first mistake most people make (including me) is going into White Savior Mode.
My White Savior Mode has a couple of characteristics:
White Saviors assume that they can fix the damage of white culture by imposing their “solutions” on others. This perpetuates colonialism instead of dismantling it.
White Saviors assume they must have finished all their AntiRacism/Classism/Bias work because they want to “save” people now. Deprogramming from white supremacy extractive capitalism is a lifelong process.
White Saviors dissociate from how they feel by over-intellectualizing the issues. This allows you to numb out in the face of epic injustice that extractive capitalism depends on. If you find yourself wanting to solve something instead of being present with pain, notice that in yourself and breathe deeper to stay present instead.
White Saviors assume that they deserve recognition for doing antiracism work. We are all responsible for dismantling white supremacy in our families, friends, workplaces, and neighborhoods. Make your white-led programs accessible to Black people AND also donate to Black-led programs.
White Saviors assume that they can “solve racism” as a separate issue from sexism, classism, ableism, transphobia and so on. If white supremacy is your first look at injustice, get ready for a longer investigation.
Don’t talk about being vegan while they serve chicken.
The food you had access to while growing up was defined by your race, class, and privilege. Remember that depending on how someone grew up, they may not have had the same dietary options as you. Don’t use the party to judge other diets. Accept everyone is eating whatever they need to eat. Bring your favorite vegan dish to share and don’t mention that it’s vegan.
Don’t complain about the party getting started late/guests arriving late.
If you show up “on time” for a Black-centric party, you may only see other white guests for a while. Can’t figure out why? Meditate on how American farming went from a family-based effort timed to the sun to slave-based with overseers to make sure that you’re “on time”. Remember how you got written-up in school for being late? Well your Black friends were more likely to be suspended or placed in detention for being late. Be open to the possibility that your Black friends may operate on a whole different clock for a slew of past and present reasons. Sit with your judgement on the importance of being “on time” instead of burdening other guests with your thoughts.
Don’t talk about the AntiRacism work you’ve done or BIPOC teachers you’ve studied.
There’s a phenomenon called “optical allyship”, which is a different shade of white supremacy.
From Bustle Magazine…
“Optical Allyship” is a term coined by Latham Thomas, founder of Mama Glow and author of Own Your Glow. In an Instagram post from May 1, Thomas defines optical allyship as “allyship that only serves at the surface level to platform the 'ally,' it makes a statement but doesn’t go beneath the surface and is not aimed at breaking away from the systems of power that oppress.”
Essentially, it is performative allyship. Instead of standing up, building trust, and doing the work to disassemble white supremacy, optical allyship does the bare minimum. It’s retweeting a contextless MLK quote without learning about the depth of King’s work and his actual words on protesting. It’s using a “woke” cultural moment to build your brand while continuing practices rooted in racism. It’s relying on Black people to do the work for you.
Your Black friends have heard every variation of justification from white folks to “prove” they aren’t racist. If you find yourself saying any of these things, ask yourself why. Is bringing up your AntiRacism work truly what the conversation calls for or are you trying to prove you’re one of the “good ones.”
"I went to Standing Rock.”
“I had a Black lover / best friend growing up.”
“I went to Peru and studied with indigenous Shamans.”
“I lived in a Black neighborhood.”
“I love Black people.”
“I featured 3 BIPOC speakers at my last event.” (But did you pay them well?)
“I took African studies in college.”
“I marched for Black Lives Matter.”
This list is hardly complete. Please add to it from your experiences in the comments. And let’s celebrate being able to party together.
Answering Your Strangest Questions about Nine Perfect Strangers
I'm a little late to the Nine Perfect Strangers party, but I finally finished the series and can answer all the questions I've been getting about psychedelic healing on the show. Let me know if I missed your question because I've answered some weird ones below.
Do retreat centers like in Nine Perfect Strangers exist?
Yes and no. Psychedelics are illegal in the US and so it is very difficult to run a retreat center focused on psychedelic healing domestically.
Although some cities, Washington DC, & Oregon have decriminalized some psychedelics, practitioners can still be busted by the federal government and have no clear way to file taxes.
The American War on Drugs means that you’re more likely to find the retreat center from Nine Perfect Strangers in Costa Rica, Portugal, the Netherlands, or Mexico. If you choose to leave the country for healing, look for programs that are owned by natives of that country and employ local healers.
If you’re considering a program led by Americans in a foreign country ask some questions first...
Who own’s the retreat center?
How much are the local practitioners compensated?
Where do profits from the program go?
How many years have you been hosting in this community?
How many guests do you usually host and how many are coming to this session?
For the time being, American practitioners operate in the shadows. Typically they will rent a VRBO or retreat center to hold one-off retreats. American psychedelic leaders cannot be “caught” owning a retreat center because of Civil Asset Forfeiture.
What is Civil Asset Forfeiture?
(Answered by https://drugpolicy.org/issues/asset-forfeiture-reform)
Civil asset forfeiture allows the government to seize cash, cars, real estate, or other property suspected of being connected to criminal activity, even if the owner is never arrested for a crime. In a staggering 80% of civil asset forfeitures, criminal charges are never filed against property owners.
Civil asset forfeiture was rarely used prior to the war on drugs. However, the Comprehensive Drug Abuse Prevention and Control Act of 1970 authorized the government to seize drugs and drug equipment. As the war on drugs intensified, Congress expanded the range of property subject to forfeiture. Cash, bank accounts, jewelry, cars, boats, airplanes, businesses, houses and land all became fair game.
Can someone die at a Psychedelic Retreat? What about the goat? 🐐
I’ve never had anyone die during a retreat but we have birthed a baby ;). Although psychedelics are safer than alcohol and most prescription drugs, there is some risk. Be completely honest with your practitioner about your health and EVERYTHING you’re taking. Some factors that can particularly affect your safety on psychedelics are if you are taking SSRIs or opiates, have a heart or lung condition, or history with bipolar.
Before you sign up, ask if the staff has medical training and how long it takes to get to a hospital. Do not stop taking your prescribed medication while on retreat unless advised by your doctor AND your psychedelic practitioner. Most medications require titrating down and you don’t want to stop suddenly.
I have never had anyone kill a goat (or any animal) during a retreat. We have broken 3 chairs during a rage session though. Typically folks become more sensitive to living things while on psychedelics. I’ve had guests cry over insects drowning accidentally in the pool.
Will someone dose me on psychedelics without telling me?
Unlikely. This is the only premise of Nine Perfect Strangers that I can’t find anyone practicing in real life. Although there have been rumors of putting LSD in the water supply since LSD was discovered, it’s never happened. Everyone I know chooses to work intentionally with psychedelics. Dosing people without their consent is unethical.
Are the staff at retreat centers fucking each other?
Often yes. I’ve found the bisexuality and polyamory in Nine Perfect Strangers is very common in the psychedelic world. For folks that are constantly looking into the future with psychedelics…it doesn’t look like a one man married to one woman for the rest of their life kinda world. I wouldn’t expect your psychedelic staff to practice Christian heterosexual monogamy.
I think it’s perfectly ethical for staff members to fuck each other (with consent and power balance). What you want to avoid is events where the practitioners fuck the guests (unless the retreat is built specifically for that). There are a small number of shitty practitioners that insist that fucking them is part of the healing process. Sex can be an incredibly healing and beautiful gift. However, feeling pressure to fuck someone while you are altered on psychedelics is not OK. If you are interested in fucking anyone while “high”, wait until you’re sober to explore that.
Will I fall in love with someone on retreat?
Yes. My experience during retreats is I often fall in love with myself first. Investing in myself during a retreat reminds me of how much I love myself. Next I tend to fall into deeper love with my partners if they happen to be retreating with me. Lastly, I fall into love with every single person on the retreat. So know that feeling the love is 100% expected.
Finding your soul mate while you’re patching up your own soul is complicated. A lot of the singles that meet during a retreat don’t date for too long afterwards. So if you feel deep swelling love during a retreat, enjoy it! Don’t skip working on yourself to try and get busy with someone else. Focus on your own journey and if that person really is your dream boat, they’ll be waiting at the dock after your retreat.
Can doing psychedelics heal ___________ ?
Studying psychedelics has been largely illegal for the last 50 years so we have few scientific studies but tons of personal healing stories. John Hopkins has released studies showing that magic mushrooms (psilocybin) can be healing for anxiety, depression, addiction, and PTSD. MDMA is in Phase 3 clinical trials to be re-introduced as a therapeutic drug. MDMA was used for marriage counseling until 1985, when the US government listed it as a Schedule 1 drug with no therapeutic benefit.
Here’s the most basic way I understand how psychedelic healing takes place:
Disease is a result of dis-ease in my life. Something out of alignment, something stuck that needs to be cleared away, something caused by over consuming, or something caused by lack of care/love/attention.
Psychedelics allow me to release my story and get curious with the energy underneath the story. If I haven’t been listening to my body or my soul, they tend to get louder on psychedelics. This helps me locate what’s stuck energetically/what thoughts I’m looping.
As I witness what’s actually present, I can release it. I can change my mind. I can forgive myself and others. I can remember what’s it’s like to be in total joy. I can focus healing attention on any part of myself. I can set intentions for taking excellent care of myself.
Often an accident or an illness is an opportunity to realize where I haven’t been taking care of myself and make changes. For example, I was overweight/obese for all of my 20s. I used psychedelics to rewire how I was relating to food and lost 50 pounds.
In this way, psychedelics don’t directly heal anything, but they support you in making healing choices and creating healing thoughts (which can heal anything). After I burned out as an overweight workaholic CEO, I chose a weekly day off with LSD to heal. There was nothing specifically healing about LSD except that it supported me in healing my own mind and body.
What if I’m interested in psychedelic healing but afraid of doing psychedelics?
Healing retreats offer a range of healing activities, which are potent on their own. Here are some healing techniques used on Nine Perfect Strangers that you don’t have to go anywhere exotic to try for yourself.
Take time away from your phone & screens. This can look like scheduling a day off of screens once a week or hiking where there’s no phone signal on your lunch break. Even not keeping your phone next to your bed will decrease your screen time (get an old fashion alarm clock).
Move and Stretch. Your body needs movement and stretching to work well for the rest of your life.
Meditate. A meditation practice will support you in intense experiences throughout your life (whether or not they include psychedelics). A 10-day silent meditation retreat is very psychedelic for me even while sober.
Make yourself the best breakfast for you. Everyone’s body & tastebuds are different. Figure out a first meal of the day that fuels you. American breakfast options are probably the worst for you in the world.
Go to a healing session. This could be massage, acupuncture, reiki, or another type of therapy. If you’re short on cash, look for a community acupuncture center near you for $25-$50 sessions. Another hack is to find a friend who has finished training recently and will trade you sessions.
Can I fix my entire life in a 10 day retreat?
Obviously no. However I have seen many people use a 10 day retreat as a turning point in their lives. Typically “the work” begins the moment you finalize your plans to attend a retreat. Your subconscious begins preparing for the experience and I’ve had things shift in my life before even starting the retreat.
During a retreat, I’ve experienced people change the most deeply held beliefs about themselves in an instant. Change doesn’t take any time at all. Realizing that you want to change and getting ready to make that change is what takes time. Being consistent about the change you made when you go back to your previous life is the hardest.
Any psychedelic practitioner worth their salt will tell you that healing yourself requires more work outside of the retreat than in it. This isn’t a "take a pill and forget your problems” solution. This is a "take a pill and remember all your problems so you can work through them over the rest of your life" solution.
Where can I find a retreat center like Tranquillum in Nine Perfect Strangers?
Asking friends for a recommendation is a good first step. After that start searching the internet and social media. Retreat centers in countries with less drug enforcement are usually more public about which plant medicines they will be using. Retreats in the United States might not talk about any specific psychedelics in writing.
Can I contact the dead using psychedelics?
I believe that psychedelics can help people “talk” to the soul of someone they lost. You’ll notice in the series that the “ghost” tells them that he can only tell them things they already know. To me this means they are interacting with their memory of the dead person and not with the actual soul.
If I’m Queer or Transgender, what should I know before looking for a psychedelic healing retreat?
From my personal experiences, and stories I’ve received from transgendered friends, the psychedelic retreat scene is usually queer friendly but still learning how to support transgender people. As a pansexual straight-presenting woman I’ve experienced sexism from male practitioners.
My transgender friends have had mixed results working with straight practitioners. Ask if there is anyone else on the retreat team who has lived through similar experiences as your own when trying to decide if this retreat will work for you.
If I’m BIPOC, what should I know before booking a psychedelic healing retreat?
The psychedelic retreat world is largely white, even in countries like Costa Rica and Mexico. My BIPOC friends recommend choosing a BIPOC-led retreat whenever possible. Simply put, a white practitioner isn’t going to know how to sit with racial traumatic stress. At the worst end of the scale, I’ve met white practitioners who believe racism isn’t really a problem.
I’m sure there are some awesomely aware white practitioners out there but I honestly can’t name one I would have lead a BIPOC group. If you’re going to work on releasing trauma as a BIPOC person, I’m pretty sure race is going to come up, and that’s really hard in a mostly white room to explore.
Questions & Answers I missed in the comments please!
If you want to hear more from me about psychedelics, check out this podcast episode I did with The Banana Jane.
Pic of me by 10baretoes Studios.
When you breathe in does your stomach go out?
Regular Breathing Pattern
I was teaching a private yoga class this morning when my client discovered that she was breathing backwards, a.k.a paradoxically breathing. Instead of her belly expanding as she breathed in, she was contracting her stomach and breathing into her upper chest. As she learned how to breathe normally, it released tension from her body and lowered her anxiety.
If you find yourself breathing into your upper chest a lot or not releasing your stomach out as you breath in...learning how to breathe will change your life forever. I'm serious.
Deep belly breathing is a required skill. As we breathe deeply into our low belly, our lungs massage the vagus nerve, which cues our parasympathetic nervous system to activate. The parasympathetic nervous system does all the rest and digest functions that rejuvenate your body.
The lungs are the only organs we can consciously control. Please learn how to use them.
My ‘why’ on The Quantum Alignment Podcast with Dr. Pepper Hernandez
I’ve done a lot of podcast interviews and this is one of the great ones. Dr. Pepper Hernandez does an amazing job of having me tell my story from burn out to quantum alignment. This conversation covers my cannabis history, my psychedelic present, and sex tips for your psychedelic future.
Get a Daily Dose of Anti-Racist Education
I’m obsessed with Nicole Cardoza’s email newsletter, The Anti-Racism Daily. She is curating a current conversation that every human can benefit from tapping into. Please subscribe to the free Anti-Racism Daily newsletter and follow her on twitter and instagram.
Database of Psychedelic Communities & Resources
I just learned about this table of 310 (and growing) communities for psychedelics across the world. Thank you Mike Margolies and friends for putting this together. Thanks to from Liana & Jade at MAPS for mentioning it.
Head over to psychedelic.community to check out the full database. You can start a free Airtable account and make a copy of this data for your own research (via the Use this data button in the top right).
Be smart and have fun out there!
Stretching for Sitting in Meditation
This 29-minute stretching routine includes techniques from Tai chi and Kundalini yoga. It’s a great warm-up to do when you get up in the morning or when you are preparing to sit for mediation.
I learned this set while running 10-day silent meditation courses in Maui at the Quepasana Foundation.
6 Stupid Easy Changes to Make Your SquareSpace Website More Pro
1. Use Center Text Alignment Less
It is super tempting to use center alignment a LOT. It looks kinda good on mobile screens but it’s more tiring for folks to read. Western eyes are used to left-aligned text and it takes more energy to read text with different alignments. Your site will look more professional with less center text alignment.
Example of a page using only center aligned text.
Revision with left-aligned text.
Unlike designing something that fits on a printed page, you have an almost infinite amount of vertical space to use on your website. Use additional vertical space to break up text in a way that makes it easy for visitors to scroll for the information they desire.
2. Less Background Colors Are More
I recommend using a limited palette of colors for your backgrounds. Most of my sites use primarily white, black, and grey backgrounds. I use photos and graphics to add color to my pages. Choosing a color palette and sticking to it gives your site professional cohesive look.
If you’re having a hard time selecting colors that go well together, you can cheat off a more experienced artist. Find a beautiful painting and pull your color selections from it.
Colors I choose for this site. You can edit your site colors in the Design > Site Styles > Colors sections of Squarespace.
If you’d like help from a web color expert (yep, they exist and I’ve got one for you!) register for my personal branding + website design immersion here. The immersion includes meeting one-on-one with Diane Wellman, who will help you select your colors and design a personal icon for you.
3. Add More Spacers (Blank Space) Around Important Things
Visitors to your site are scrolling quickly while half-listening to their kids scream and a podcast at the same time. Focus your visitors on what’s important by giving it lots of space.
4. Use Less Text
Again your visitors are busy and distracted! Use short sentences and easy-to-understand words.
5. Add a Video or Video Background
Using a video to introduce yourself to visitors is especially popular with folks who prefer to listen and folks who don’t like to read in English. It’s well worth investing in one short video about yourself that you can use all year. I had a Summit I produced in 2017 filmed professionally and still use that video to this day.
6. Backup Your Mailing List Subscribers on Google Drive
When you add a newsletter subscription box to a SquareSpace site, you can choose to have the subscriber email addresses sent to multiple places at once. On top of syncing new contacts to my email lists with SquareSpace, I always setup Google Drive as well. This way if there are any issues with my email newsletter provider, I always have a backup copy of my list.
Newsletter Settings for the footer of this site in SquareSpace. I’m using SquareSpace Email Campaigns & Google Drive to collect email addresses at the same time.
9 Tips for Going Home to Visit without Going Crazy
“If you think you are enlightened, go and spend a week with your family.” ~ Ram Das
I was advising a client who had melted down visiting her family and, of course, I did the same thing to my family the next day. It was a great reminder that healing intergenerational wounds is a lifelong journey and my life is far from over
Here are the tips I wrote myself for future extended family vacations.
Treat “going home” as a full-time transformational opportunity. Do not schedule work or distractions during the visit. Clear your schedule to devote 100% of your attention to whatever comes up. Just being with your family, feeling your feelings, and staying present is a full-time job.
Set yourself up for success by taking extra good care of yourself before and after the visit. Schedule extra bodywork, yoga, and meditation for before and after. Maybe splurge on a better flight or hotel room than you would normally.
Pre-plan a daily “get-away” hour from your family. Take yourself out for a yoga class, a morning beverage, a walk, a haircut, etc. I like to get up about 2 hours before anyone else and have that part of the day to myself.
Put your phone away. The easiest distraction from our feelings and from being present is scrolling our phones. If you are addicted to your phone, leave it somewhere else during meals.
Don't make anybody wrong, but don’t make yourself wrong either. This is my favorite tip from one of my advisors, Paul Cooper, the Freedom Coach. As a Libra Sun, I’m very concerned with justice and fairness. I used to spend a ton of energy telling people they were wrong. Most folks will ignore you once you make them wrong. It’s very hard to take good advice from someone who makes you feel bad.
Release yourself from needing to change your family’s opinions or behaviors. They are sovereign adults who have lived a different life and get to come to their own conclusions. Going into a visit with the agenda to change your family will usually lead to upset. However if it comes up, you can take a stand for your values and opinions. You don’t have to yield to anyone who tries to make you “wrong” and you don’t have anything to prove to be “right” either. Allow for everyone to have a unique perspective and steer the discussion to where you agree.
Take time to give back to someone who gave to you. Your family spent uncountable hours and resources to raise you. I forget sometimes. Pre-plan a way to make someone in your family feel extra appreciated for all they do.
Monitor yourself for getting overwhelmed and know what you need to do for yourself to avoid going crazy. Here’s some of the calming techniques that I use:
Deep breaths through my nose and into the lower belly.
Drinking a glass of water or herbal tea.
Eating a healthy snack like berries.
Going to the bathroom to get some time alone.
Taking a shower, bath, or cold plunge.
Taking a walk or going to an exercise class.
Volunteering to run an errand or go to the store.
Use Cannabis or CBD in any form. If you don’t want to smoke around your family, get a low-dose edible that you can use discreetly. Leave your favorite product in the comments.
I tell UCLA Anderson MBAs My Story (video)
Watch one of the first business school panels on cannabis business opportunities. Speakers include Jazmin Victoria Hupp, Kenny Morrison, Christian Groh, and Jim Baudino.
The 32nd annual CREATE Conference at UCLA Anderson was one of the first business school events in the world to feature a cannabis panel. I had the pleasure of speaking on the mainstage with five different sides of the cannabis puzzle.
Dr. Jeff Chen, director of the National Institute of Cannabis Endocannabinoid Research and Founder of the Cannabis Research Group at UCLA.
Christian Groh (pronounced "grow" no kidding) COO of Privateer Holdings an investment fund with companies such as Leafly-which receives 11 million visitors a month, Tilray-a medical cannabis cultivator in Canada, and Marley Natural-the licensed Bob Marley cannabis brand. Christian comes from a traditional VC investment background at Silicon Valley Bank and brings the important private equity perspective to this conversation.
Kenny Morrison, founder of VCC Brands, is a UCLA drop-out now invited back to the business school as a CEO. Kenny shared how his cannabis sales experience started in college and then matured into one of the largest edible brands in California & Washington recently. Kenny shared his perspective from the product, branding, and lobbying he leads.
Jim Baudino, VP of Marketing at Merry Jane, is a UCLA Anderson graduate and 10 year veteran of Toyota. Jim talked about representing cannabis culture and SnoopDogg's cannabis company portfolio.
Are you testing your drugs for fentanyl?
"Fentanyl and various fentanyl analogs are highly potent synthetic opioids between fifty and hundreds of times stronger than heroin. Since 2013 they have killed hundreds of thousands of people in North America alone. Accidentally ingesting fentanyl-laced heroin, cocaine, ketamine, meth and other drugs—including counterfeit pharmaceutical pills—is the single greatest risk facing people who use drugs today." ~DanceSafe
Fentanyl was developed as a super-opiate pain killer for folks who have already exhausted regular opioids. This feels a lot like crack being introduced. There is no good reason for fentanyl to show up throughout the opioid supply chain (and now ketamine and MDMA) accidentally. Mixing in a powder that is lethal in doses you can barely see is poisoning the well.
I’m recommending you test all your powder and pill-based drugs (as usual) and now with fentanyl test strips as well. Visit DanceSafe to get drug testing kits and fentanyl testing information.
Get educated on how a fentanyl or opiate overdose can happen and what you can do to reverse it from the National Harm Reduction Coalition. If you are using opioids please make an overdose plan and get Naloxone (which can reverse an opiate overdose). You can find free sources for Naloxone here. Be very gentle on these non-profits doing harm reduction work for your community. Donate if you can. Help out if you can. Be super duper nice.
“Opioid overdose occurs when the level of opioids, or combination of opioids and other drugs, in the body render a person unresponsive to stimulation or cause their breathing to become inadequate. This happens because opioids fit into the same receptors in the brain that signal the body to breathe. If someone cannot breathe or is not breathing enough, oxygen levels in the blood decrease causing the lips and fingers turn blue, a process called cyanosis. Oxygen starvation will eventually stop vital organs like the heart, then the brain, and can lead to unconsciousness, coma, and possibly death. Within 3-5 minutes without oxygen, brain damage starts to occur, soon followed by death.” ~National Harm Reduction Council
Take special care if you choose to combine heroin/prescription opioids and other downers such as alcohol and benzodiazepines (Xanax). These all depress the central nervous system. Opiates bind to the receptors in your brain that make you think you are breathing. Get someone who is trained to administer Naloxone to watch you if you are using this combination. Ideally don’t use these in combination at all or use smaller amounts if possible.
What’s your perfect magic mushroom psilocybin dose?
This Amsterdam-based company has made a complete dosing calculator to tell you.
You’ll have to convert your weight in Kilograms with a search or by using this tool .
I had several friends compare their magic mushroom dosing experiences to these calculations and Zamnesia seemed to be accurate.
Have fun calculating your perfect magic mushroom (psilocybin) dose.
Black-led Projects for Psychedelic Healing
I got to attend Chacruna’s Parables & Pathways, A Conversation Between Black Women in Psychedelics yesterday and wanted to share some links if you missed it.
Conversations like these teach me that we need all types of practitioners to support all types of people healing. Widespread medical racism makes it unlikely that Black people will trust white doctors with their mental & spiritual health. Black attendees were encouraged to wait for a Black-led opportunity to sit with psychedelics instead of risking it.
Why is this important? Most organizations will try to look diverse, regardless of who is actually running the show. (Just ask your Black friends with corporate jobs how often they’re asked to be photographed vs. how often the board of directors asks their opinion.) I learned while leading Women Grow that having Black women work entry-level positions for white owners was reinforcing the White Supremacy that we were trying to disrupt. Women Grow is now majority-owned by Black women.
Black-Led Psychedelic Projects
Robin Divine’s Black People Trip - Robin creates content and community for Black women using psychedelics. Support her by joining her Patreon or Venmo @DivineRobin.
Hanifa Nayo Washington’s One Village Healing - Hanifa is someone you want to follow because everything she’s doing is amazing. She recently co-founded the first Psychedelic Peer Support line, called The Fireside Project.
Courtney Watson’s Doorway Therapeutics - Specializing in healing for Queer BIPOC+ people in Oakland. Give to her therapy fund to provide services to Black activists with Black therapists.
Oakland Hyphae - Oakland Hyphae is a socially responsible, Black-owned grassroots business, who's goal is to educate and provide dependable, high quality resources and information for plant medicine cultivators and enthusiasts. I’ll be appearing at their event this weekend in Denver.
As a white woman–I’ve caused harm projecting that I can help everyone–when the truth is I can only help myself and inspire people to do the same. I often fall into a savior complex that believes I know how to help people better than they know how to help themselves. If you’re like me, consider giving resources to projects with no attachments and getting out of their way.
Muscle Testing & Pendulum Testing Your Drugs
I want to stress that this is the LEAST scientific method to test a substance but has worked for me. Please use drug test kits, ask questions when you buy drugs, and be smart about what you put in your body. We lost Prince and many others to powder drugs laced with fentanyl (the most potent opioid).
Muscle Testing
Pendulum Testing
6 Practices to Support You Launching On Time Every Time
Getting a large group of women to pose for a group photo is a great test of your timing skills. This photo is from our first Women Grow Leadership Summit with about 125 women. It was great training for when we grew the event 10X the next year.
Let’s be clear. It’s easy to predict that a project is going to miss its deadline because the vast majority of projects do. But if you blow deadlines like a corporate cocaine addict in the 80s...here’s some tips on getting your sh*t done on time.
Obsessively track your time (more than your money). I spent years tracking every minute I spent working. I have an inordinately good sense of how long tasks take me because I measured it. I’ve learned that money is an infinite resource (you can make more) but time is finite. Guard your time more than your money.
Know how you sabotage your own success. This is a big blind spot I’m still working on seeing. I knew how I misbehaved when things were hard but I didn’t realize that I had bad habits when things were going well. I used to occasionally wake up in the morning with the sense that something was wrong and blame whatever showed up first (my partner sleeping next to me or my first work meeting of the day). I learned that waking up motivated to make a change isn’t a bad thing but I’ve got to be conscious of what I use that motivation to make happen. My old habit was to pick fights in the morning. So I’m re-channeling that fire into more productive containers. In fact, I woke up today and was going to pick a fight about a project I’m on right now. Instead I meditated for an hour and then wrote this post to remind myself (and hopefully help others) find ways to build instead of burn down.
Make an altar with objects and notes that represent your big desires. Before every strategic work session spend a few minutes meditating in front of your alter. Remind yourself of the big priorities by keeping your working altar close.
Experiment with different ways to present your ideas to collaborators & customers. One of the most sensitive parts of a project is when the folks who have a vision try to get collaborators (and later customers) on board. The Visionary often underestimates how much energy they need to put towards clearing the team’s limiting beliefs or the customer’s objections. Remember that everyone you talk to is coming to this project with their own goals and fears. Try addressing fears as early as possible so they don’t come back to spook you later. Find your balance between wanting to involve everyone and knowing that every person will require time and energy to onboard. This is especially tricky when you’re trying to create a community. You’ve got to have awesome methods to onboard your community and channel their fire or they will burn you up.
Take up a practice where timing really matters. My definition of timing is being aware of what is going on and being able to act at the most auspicious time for all. I learned my timing being raised by musicians and then stage managing musical theatre. Here’s some hobbies to practice your timing: play any instrument, plan a party with a storyline, take an improv comedy class, or moderate on Clubhouse.
Try Gantt charting or working backwards from your goal. A Gantt chart is a project management tool where you assign a number of days to each phase of a project and then it lays the tasks out sequentially on a calendar. It makes it really easy to see things like if the graphic designer is 2 weeks late, you have to cut 2 weeks from somewhere else in the schedule or push the launch back 2 weeks. Asana is my favorite tool for doing this with a big team. For small team projects you can do it manually by working backwards from your goal. For example if I wanted to launch a new Course I would write down:
0 Week: Course Start
1-6 Weeks: Course Sales
7-10 Weeks: Prepare Course Sales Materials
11-16 Weeks: Outline Course, Research Ideal Customers, and ask Guest Speakers
So in this example I can see that I need 16 weeks (or about 4 months) to prepare and launch a Course. Basecamp is my favorite project management tool to do this type of planning.
What are your tips for hitting your timing without knocking yourself out? 👇🏻 comments please!